TruMama

When is the last time?

The curious thing is, we never really know.

Until we do.

We have a finite amount of times we will do something in our lifetime and one of those times…

will be the last

and we are often oblivious to it.

Sure. Many last times are obvious…

last day of school

last game of the season

last day of the year

And we celebrate those events and acknowledge it for

what it is

what it was

how it has served us

and the joy of the experience.

But what I miss…

what I really miss…

are the last times that go unnoticed.

The ones that sneak by without even a whisper.

The ones that are camouflaged into the busyness of everyday life.

And then one day, out of nowhere, a tsunami crashes into my heart.

This reverie builds and collides with my schema as I realize I don’t do that thing anymore.

And…

wow…

I haven’t

for a long time.

There was a single moment in time that was the final moment

the last time I would do that thing

and I missed it.

I completely missed it.

No celebration.

No acknowledgement.

No appreciation.

Just done.

Over.

The ribbon was cut. And life moved on washing away another moment in time.

It slipped through the tapestry of the day, of the week, the month…the years.

Hopelessly lost amongst the threads.

Forever free falling.

So many precious moments are lost in this way.

Some of the most dear and most tender to the heart.

And I

I had no idea it was the last time

until one day I feel a peculiar surge in my heart.

A long tug on memories.

A bout of amnesia sets in and I ache for another time.

Just one more time.

This absence unravels my heart.

If only I’d known.

If only there had been an announcement

some kind of signal that this, right here, was the last time…

I would have cherished it.

Celebrated it.

Honored it.

I would have moored it safely into my heart

into a marina of last time memories.

The last time I gave you a bottle.

Changed your diaper.

The last time I carried you to the car and buckled you in.

Gave you a bath.

The last time I played a game with you.

Slept beside you.

The last time we rode together to school.

So many sweet, tiny moments that, no matter how trivial,

really meant the world to me.

Moments I miss so much.

Moments I wish I had slowed down and treasured more.

Sorrow drips from my eyes.

Each salty tear, an ocean of last time memories.

If only I had known.

But we never do.

Until we do.

How many last times did I miss yesterday?

How many will I miss today?

How do I find my way out of this storm?

I bathe myself in the abundance of blessings I am afforded right now.

Slow down in this moment.

In this day.

Pay attention to all the little things…the little ones are the ones that fill my heart the most.

Flood my heart with tenderness…

Look with loving eyes.

Listen with loving ears.

Speak with loving words.

Feel with loving thoughts.

My heart…aware that this moment right here…may be the last time I get to do this thing with you and there will be no announcement.

Be in the blessings.

The day I first rolled up on your beach back in 1989, was more of a reunion than a meeting.

We were never strangers.

For 10 years you were my friend, and I yours.

Intertwining souls.

Fast forward to 1998.

You were right there all along.

The stars aligned for us and every single night I’m thankful to be under them with you.

You are my favorite person.

Diane and Ray, aka Grammy and Poppy, were two love beams in our world.

Shining so much joy and laughter on us.
Making our days brighter and fuller.
Leaving us all feeling touched by goodness.

This life?

Perfect.

Carefully crafted, it has come to be this way.

Getting better with time

Aging gently over the years

Grown from love

Nurtured with laughter

With the strength of ocean waves

Powerful and beautiful

It is a lovely state of serenity.

Whether it is spotting a beautiful flower on our Saturday morning stroll

or enjoying a warm cup of tea after dinner

or receiving a big box of wild blueberries in the mail

We elaborately live in simple moments

Composing our perfect symphony.

I think of when it all started. Right here in North Myrtle, so many summers ago. I met your daddy on the stretch of beach at the end of our street.

A dear friendship that lasted into the winter and beyond. He chatted with me about everything. Secrets. Problems. Fears. And hopes.

He became someone I trusted. Someone I loved.

Years later I was at a crossroads in my life. I was leaving Florida and heading back to Virginia.

Who helped me? Your daddy. I remember pulling over on the side of the highway and calling him from a payphone. Talking and crying. Lost and broken.

He put me back together. He made me feel special. Like everything would be just fine.

And it was.

It was perfect.

He encouraged me and supported me.

He believed in me.

There was a certain kind of harmony that existed between us.

Now we have you – the sweetest, most tender reflection of our love.

My enraptured soul is reminded of all that is good and beautiful.

So, this life?

Yeah, it is perfectly perfect.

Happy anniversary Grant. ?

 

 

 

 

Summer! Our time to just chill all day, every day and boy, do we ever. There are no fancy trips. We love just being home. Being together. Being free. It is long days filled with porch swings, pool and beach time, late night movies with popcorn, and then repeat.

I love you too much.

 

As corny as it sounds, every morning I wake up and say “Thank you.”

Yep. Thank you for another day. Another deposit into my life account.

An account that gets richer by the moment. A wealth of memories.

Accumulating interest in the form of complete and total joy.

Like a thief, I’m hacking life. Cashing in on smiles and giggles.

A miser hoarding hugs and kisses.

Every day is payday.

And each night before I drift off to sleep, “Thank you.”

I love you too much.

Song: Alive, Graeme James

 

 

I’m good. And that’s perfect.

When did good become not enough?

The world is so busy being busy.

Trying to do more. Be more. Have more.

Well, I think good, is pretty darn amazing.

I could not ask for more.

I have kinda always been good, really.

I feel like it has all intentionally fallen into place. Slowly connecting. Evolving over time. Until it was just right.

Your daddy was my best friend turned husband.

I wanted my Bachelor’s and my Master’s degrees and I got them.

I wanted my National Board Certification, so I got it.

And I really wanted to win the Donald H. Graves Award for Excellence in Teaching Writing and I did.

Then one day I decided I wanted to be your mom. I remember telling your daddy and…here we are.

I say “your” mom because from day one I prayed for you, a boy. I saw you in my mind or in my heart, I don’t know which.

But I knew you. You were very clear to me.

Our souls knew each other. I just needed you in flesh and blood.

And now, I’m good.

Good is swinging with you in the porch swing playing I Spy.

Good is walking with you over to the office in the moonlight and stopping to shoot a basket or look at the night sky.

Good is our daily chats riding to and from school together.

Good is bouncing on the trampoline or squirrel hunting in the front yard.

Good is you.

You are tangible hope.

This guy you have become.

Touching my heart.

You live so pure.

A warrior of love.

Teaching me a thing or two about confidence and purpose.

Keeping me straight on most days.

So strong in who you are. Walking your own path.

Showing up as your one true self. Adding your sense of humor to the ordinary.

Making it all good.

And having a good life is everything.

I love you too much!

Song: I’m Good, The Mowgli’s

 

January 2016…Blink…December 2016

Honestly, every year with you is the best year.

You live life with this force of energy that keeps things fresh and new.

You wake with excitement about being alive and bring laughter to all you do.

You make every day the best day of my life.

I love you too much!

Song: Best Day of My Life, American Authors

 

There is nothing like outdoors.

Sun on your face. Wind at your back.

You have always been comfortable in nature.

As a baby, you would not want to take a nap or go to bed. We joked that you just did not want to miss anything going on.

So, we would take a little stroll…and BAM. You were dreaming.

I spent many nights under the stars pushing you in the stroller.

We might be bundled up in our winter gear. It did not matter. Out we would go.

The second you felt the air, your breathing changed. You relaxed. You would drift off.

Just so peaceful.

Nature. A part of you.

When it rains, most people come in. We go out.

You would choose to work outside, rather than play inside.

Spreading mulch? You’re the guy.

Picking up hickory nuts? No problem.

Raking leaves? You’re on it.

We ate outside. We played outside. We WERE outside.

And usually always with a garden hose in your hand!

Grammy and Poppy took you to the playground every day.

You would play for hours.

Your absolute favorite thing in the world was to just walk around the yard.

Just walk. And walk. And walk.

We would trek laps around the yard all afternoon and all weekend long.

The purpose?  To admire every little thing and to find the most perfect stick.

I had to be extra careful once you figured out how to open the door.

At any given second you were gone.

Out into the yard.

Out into your world.

I love you too much!

Song: Love ft. Lennon and Maisy

You have gone from 0 to 6 in a blink.

Every day has been a giant smile. It is all so beautiful.

It is definitely a better place since you came along.

I love you too much!

Song: Better Place by Rachel Platten