The Tipping Point

Posted by Kim on Saturday Jan 10, 2015 Under Photoetry

Things don’t have to be at 100% to be happy. There’s something called the tipping point which claims that if you can have just 51% positive thoughts, than you can have a wonderful life. I feel fairly confident that we stay beyond the tipping point most days. Easily.

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This week…not so much. It’s been a struggle. And of course, I reflect. I analyze. I fret. I drive myself crazy – partly because it’s hard getting back in the swing of things when I’ve been out of the swing of things. Especially when out of the swing of things, is what I prefer. Then to feel bad while doing it, well, that just sucks.

There’s been a lot of bumps in my life along the way, but nothing compares to being a parent. It’s the greatest thing ever, but also the hardest. I used to just think of myself, but now it’s all about you. If things didn’t work out, it was okay because the only person at risk was me. Now, your life is involved. My joys now are the sweetest gifts of my life, but my mistakes now leave the deepest wounds. Every day is a quest to make it the best day possible for you, but I am so far from perfect. I often fall short. Most of the time I can’t make decisions for worrying, which is right? Which is best? Which will work? People stand in judgement and I know this, so I fret even more. I start thinking about things that really don’t apply to the problem at hand. Your daddy, on the other hand, sees everything crystal clear. So easily. How does he do that???? I’m in awe of him. A straight shooter, he hits the target every time. He zooms in on what matters and sticks to the point.

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(This is how I see things)

I promise you this: I will find my focus.

Several things happened this week, my fault of course, and I’m not sure I like how I handled them. In trying to put you first and keep your best interest at heart, I get so overwhelmed. I try to handle things the way I think best and end up making a mess of it all. I end up feeling like a failure to you. I have the best intentions and the worst actions. I’m not proud. I’ve been greatly offended this week and I’m trying to not take it personally. Still trying. But luckily, I’ve also been greatly impressed this week. (Thank goodness for your awesome teachers who smoothed a situation I accidentally created!) So, you see, I’m below my tipping point this week. And I don’t like it. I know that everything we say and do has an impact on others, so I live with that reminder in the back of my mind. All of the time. I also know that we can’t worry about what others say and do. Let it go. So, I bounce around in this web of confusion. It’s hard to do what’s best for your child when everyone around you is sizing up the situation and forming opinions when they don’t know our dynamics. I try to handle life calmly. I think to myself, in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not a big deal. Little things. Learn and grow.

I promise you this: I will not second guess myself.

I think part of my problem goes back to my dad. He was sick most of my childhood. When I was 5 like you, he was not at home. He was in Johns Hopkins fighting cancer. He won the battle…10 years later, but I lost a childhood with him. I lost the chance at happy, fun times with my dad and I know I would have had them because he was just that awesome. How different my life would have turned out if I had those memories. But everything happens for a reason. My path led me here. With you. And I believe I have the chance to create those memories for you. That’s my gift and my purpose. People often tell me what I should and shouldn’t do as your mom. They think you should buck up and do this or buck up and do that and I disagree. You’re 5. I don’t want you to buck up. I had to buck up when I was 5. I had to go to kindergarten without my parents. I had to go home to an empty house. I had to live in my imagination because reality was too scary. I know what bucking up is like and I don’t think 5 year olds should have to do that. And most of the people talking to me, didn’t have to buck up when they were 5. They had nice, normal lives. So I’m looking for quiet. I just want you to smile and be comfortable. I just want you to be happy. I just want to be here with you and for you. Every day.

I promise you this: I will take a deep breath and calm my mind!

I love you too much.

 

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Boom, Boom, Shaka laka laka, Boom

Posted by Kim on Sunday Jan 4, 2015 Under Tru Moments

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Sometimes things are just a bit freaky. I have to stop, in awe of you, and wonder just what is happening.

I feel like I’m putting the pieces together of an elaborate puzzle that I will never finish, but the thrill of it keeps me going.

Back story:  

When you were 2 years old I bought you Jenga. We played, and still play, all the time. You love it! But you never, ever called it Jenga. You always called it Jenga Boom! That’s just what you said. Every time. “Mama, let’s play Jenga Boom.”

Fast forward:

Imagine my surprise when I was walking the aisles at Target this past December looking for Christmas gifts and saw this. Jenga Boom!

Whoomp! (There it is)

I stopped in my tracks. I literally thought I was seeing things. I read the box at least 3 times. Picked it up and looked even closer. I had the craziest feeling that I still can’t explain, but I knew I had to buy it. I mean, I think you created it. Somehow the universe is eavesdropping on our lives and getting ideas. Somehow your thoughts and creativity are strangely becoming a reality!

You make up lots of stuff. All the time. I’m starting to get a little nervous!!

I love you too much!

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Our Own Language

Posted by Kim on Thursday Jan 1, 2015 Under Photoetry

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice.

-T.S. Eliot

Our house New Year’s Eve 2014…

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Our house has a new breath.

That speaks new words.

Creates a new language.

Is alive with your voice.

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The synergy of it all – works.

Harmony flows.

Imperfections reign.

Mistakes happen.

Gratitude guides.

Joy prevails.

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You make silly monsters.

I make hot chocolate.

This is how we roll.

This is the language of our love.

I love you too much!

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Love, Tru

Posted by Kim on Friday Dec 26, 2014 Under Tru Moments

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Life with you is like lessons of the heart. You’re a wise old soul.

Seeing life.

Understanding life.

Appreciating life.

You’ve a tender heart. Full of compassion.

You’ve much confidence, but oh so humble.

When I asked you if you knew that Christmas wasn’t just about getting gifts, you answered me as if I were crazy.  “I know that mama! It’s about giving to others.”

Your life is your message. Little heartfelt messages.

Signed:

Love,

Tru

Your messages whisper to me every day…

While putting away the wrapping paper, you got an idea. Wrap each other! And bust out within 30 seconds. Game on.

I wrap you.

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You wrap me.

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We wasted a lot of paper and a lot of tape, but we scored a bunch of laughs!

Embrace moments. Look for fun.

Love,

Tru

We took the bongos to Grammy’s and Poppy’s thinking one of the musicians in the family would know how to play. Instead you played as serious as could be because baby Layla loved the sound and wanted to dance.

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You found your rhythm and we had a dance party.

When you bring joy to others, you find joy yourself.

Love,

Tru

Everyone was playing with Layla’s poppity pop. You wanted to join in, but were reluctant. After all, it wasn’t your gift. You waited for an invitation.

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You didn’t care what age the toy was for, you just wanted to join in.

Take any opportunity to have a good time and join the fun.

Love,

Tru

Poppy hands out cards each year to everyone with a gift inside. You let Poppy sit in his chair and you had the best fun giving out the cards for him.

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You ran around with cards in hand and delivered with a great big smile!

Take pleasure in helping others.

Love,

Tru

You hit the dessert table in the kitchen for a snack.

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Yummy!

Take time to stop and eat the brownies!

Love,

Tru

You found a quiet spot to open your envelope from Grammy and Poppy. You studied each bill carefully.

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Then you ran and thanked Poppy.

Always be appreciative of what you get from others.

Love,

Tru

Presents all around the tree. You don’t know where to begin.

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The only thing you had told me you wanted was a…

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basketball!

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A game you love to play that you hadn’t thought to ask for…

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Cornhole!

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You always take time to hug.

Even the boxes! It’s just what you always do.

2011:

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2014:

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You are just so happy. Pure joy.

It’s not the gift that matters. It’s the thought.

Love,

Tru

You want to play games together. You love togetherness. You want everyone to join in and be included.

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Pause: snack

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More than all the toys, you love being together.

The best gift of all is time spent together.

Love,

Tru

Later that evening as I wrote in my journal before bed, you took yours that lays on your desk and went into the bathroom. You came out smiling from ear to ear and laid this in front of me:

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Mom you are the best mom in the world and I love you.

I love you. You’re welcome.

This made me cry. Really cry. Which made you cry. There we were. Sitting in the bed laughing and crying together.

Two hearts utterly immersed in love.

Tender hearts fully connected.

Experiencing nothing but the love of one another.

You, my Tru, are the best gift of all. Hands Hearts down.

I love you too much!

 

 

 

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Tru Blessings

Posted by Kim on Sunday Dec 21, 2014 Under Photoetry

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We went to Night of a Thousand Candles at Brookgreen Gardens.

It might as well be called Life of a Thousand Blesings because I was counting mine.

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It was as if the past 5 years were captured and living in those candles.

Each candle necessary. Each candle a vital part along the way.

If my thoughts and feelings could be personified, I imagine it would look like this.

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I felt like someone had taken my joy and strung it from the trees. There it was twinkling everywhere.

I felt like I was walking the paths through my own heart. Soft steps to new discoveries.

This was a dream, wide awake. My reverie.

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(That was foam…so much fun!)

For each candle there is a blessing lit and burning. Glowing softly. Warming gently. Creating energy. Reminding me where I am. Who I have become.

For each candle there is a shadow. A darkness behind. Mistakes made. Lessons learned. Pain endured. Reminding me how far I’ve come. Who I was.

For each candle a blessing is revealed. Each blessing celebrated.

The smiles between us in all we do. The snuggles each night reading a book. The sleepy mornings with your head on my shoulder. The playfulness you bring to everything. The trust we’ve created together.

You led the way through this garden of candles with your hot chocolate in your little gloved hands. Soft Christmas music playing in the background. We followed you. Proud of you. Enjoying you. Hearts full.

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Magical.

That’s how my life has been since you.

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Beautiful.

That’s how my life has looked since you.

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Peaceful.

That’s how my life has felt since you.

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My blessings grow more each day. More candles to display. Life burning brighter. Life growing warmer. Paths stretching longer.

You are a thousand blessings and I count every one.

I love you too much!

 

 

 

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Backyard Mystery

Posted by Kim on Sunday Dec 7, 2014 Under Tru Moments

You just never know what is going to happen when you get 2 dogs and a boy together.

Here’s the girls. Luna and Lilu. They have their own ideas.

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Things I could never think of myself. It all starts so simply. I want to throw the ball for Lilu. I want to get a little fresh air and be out in the sun. My boring idea is quickly joined by a 5 year old and morphs into…

Attack of the aliens!

No biggie. I got your back.

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Oops! My bad.

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Soccer anyone?

It’s two against one. This is soooo not fair.

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Lilu grabs the ball and runs for the goal. Score!

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You win 9 – 3.

Yes, I lost the game.

But I won!

I love you too much!

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Somewhere My Love

Posted by Kim on Saturday Dec 6, 2014 Under Photoetry

My life in stanzas:

Among the trees

Across the seas

Somewhere my love

 

Through the crowd

Holler loud

Somewhere my love

 

A blank page

A dark stage

Somewhere my love

 

Look to stars

Dreams closed in jars

Somewhere my love

 

Pluck flower’s petal

Never settle

Somewhere my love

 

Open the door

Ready to soar

Somewhere my love

 

Pack a car

Drive afar

Somewhere my love

 

Unlock a home

Don’t have to roam

So close my love

 

In your eyes

No more goodbyes

Right here my love

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I love you too much!

 

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Nearest and Dearest…A Photo Op

Posted by Kim on Thursday Nov 27, 2014 Under Photoetry

These are my boys. (and girls!)

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They are the reason each day is gorgeous.

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They are the reason I laugh.

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They are the reason I’m comfortable.

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They are the reason I’m crazy. (I love you so much, I literally could eat you up! Num. Num. Num.)

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They are the reason I’m sane.

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They are the reason I breathe.

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I love you both too much!

**Luna was terrified of the camera. I had to hold on to her tight to get the 3 shots.

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This Heart of Mine

Posted by Kim on Wednesday Nov 26, 2014 Under Photoetry

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This post is inspired by a favorite book of mine, The Secret of Saying Thanks, by Douglas Wood. “The heart that gives thanks is a happy one, for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time. The more we say thanks, the more we find to be thankful for. And the more we find to be thankful for, the happier we become. We don’t give thanks because we’re happy. We are happy because we give thanks.”

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This heart of mine has changed. It’s changed in the most beautiful way. It has discovered a precious secret. A life changing secret. And it is no longer my heart at all. It is no longer my life at all. It is yours.

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This heart of mine laughs. It laughs out loud. When you make a face or act silly, we crack ourselves up. We get a kick out of any little thing. We look for fun. You make my heart giggle.

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This heart of mine sings. It sings the sweetest melodies. When we play or work, we often sing. We make up our own songs. We sing at the top of our lungs and dance together. You give my heart rhythm.

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This heart of mine grows. It is overflowing. When I look at you it swells up and feels like it’s going to burst. How does it even fit in my chest anymore? I think I’ve outgrown myself. You make my heart flourish.

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This heart of mine protects. It is fierce. Wherever we go, whatever we do, I look out for you. I guard you. You make my heart a shield.

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This heart of mine shines. It is a bright force. In the smallest moments, I find the greatest joy. Colors are brighter. The air is crisper. I relish each day. I soak up each day.  You make my heart glow.

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This heart of mine plays. It is happy. No matter the task, you always find a way to make it a game. I feel unabashed joy. We frolic cheerfully. You make my heart young again.

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This heart of mine tickles. It is touched. Sometimes I just can’t stop. It builds and builds. It overtakes me and I feel like I can’t breath. You make my heart excited.

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This heart of mine softens. It is mushy. A twinkle from your eye or just the sound of your voice and the sweetest comment melts me. I nearly fall to pieces and crumble. You make my heart tender.

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This heart of mine is gentle. It is calm. The world around us is more beautiful than ever before. The world is delicately quiet. Nature is our best friend. You make my heart peaceful.

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This heart of mine is wholesome. It is fresh. You make everything new. The path is clear. Healthy choices are easy. I want to be alive with you as long as possible. You make my heart pure.

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This heart of mine is compassionate. It is sympathetic. Like being wrapped nice and snug in a fleece blanket. I’m more sensitive and understanding. I see deeply with loving eyes. You make my heart warm.

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This heart of mine is thankful. It is appreciative. I value the moments that make up our days, careful not to waste one. I treasure our time together to make the most of it. To create meaningful memories for you. I respect you and honor you for the person you are. You make my heart grateful.

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“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” Annie Dillard

I’m thankful to spend my days with you.

I love you too much!

Happy Thanksgiving

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Got Our Game On

Posted by Kim on Friday Nov 21, 2014 Under A Few of My Favorite Things...

Nights at our house are often not at our house at all. Across the parking lot we hang out in Daddy’s office surrounded by computers and guns. It doesn’t sound very comfortable, but there’s no where more perfect in this world. We each have our own setup. In triangular formation we play. We play games and we laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And laugh. You will be rich in memories. No nights spent in front of a television for you, little man. No, we follow each other through deserts and forests. Explore caves and mine for diamonds and emeralds. Build houses and farms. Fight off Zombies and skeletons. Jump through portals and land in the Ender World. And of course sometimes, just sometimes, you create our own game within the game and we chase and battle each other. Always ending badly for me. Why are you laughing so much in the video? Because I can Not get away from you! No matter what. Just wait. Tomorrow night we play again! Game on.

I love you too much!

 

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