How can I measure my love for you? This feeling. This life.
Impossible. But every day I try. Hopelessly.
Love is not an amount.
As I watch you burst with excitement…my heart leaps.
As I watch you explore…my mind marvels.
It is every expression. Every smile.
You need nothing. Just attention and you are happy.
How can I measure this love that has completely changed me? Completely changed my life? Every day from here on out?
A radical transformation, indeed.
If I could just find the word. Just find the example. Then you would understand. You would get it.
But I chase after it, like the waves chase after you.
Knocking you off your feet, but you love it and get back up and run right back in. Eager for more.
How can I measure my love for you?
I simply live every day so grateful that you are in my life.
I simply enjoy every moment with you.
I am a moment chaser.
“Come on mama. Get in with me. You can do it. Just put the camera down.”
(And so I did. And it was freezing cold, but Oh so fun!)
I love you too much!
This post is inspired by the book, Tough Boris, by Mem Fox.
There was a little boy named Tru Rivers Brown.
He was tiny.
All little boys are tiny.
He was scary.
All little boys are scary.
He was messy.
All little boys are messy.
He was silly.
All little boys are silly.
He took naps.
All little boys take naps.
He was a dare devil.
All little boys are dare devils.
He loved his dogs.
All little boys love their dogs.
He got dirty.
All little boys get dirty.
He was a helper.
All little boys are helpers.
He grew and grew and grew. And one day he got big.
But he was still mama’s little boy.
He will always be mama’s little boy.
I love you too much!
The beauty of being a kid…wonder is everywhere. Excitement is found wherever you are. Surprise abounds. I’ve lived in this house for 13 years and only in the past 3 years have I ventured into the back yard. Because of you, Tru, it’s now our playground. You beckon me in and I follow. I follow you into this imaginary world. An imaginary world where anything is possible.
Where we hide from enemies in our base. Weapons ready, we attack.
Where Lilu is no longer your dog, but an outer space invader that has landed on our planet. We must capture her. We must protect the people. (Although, sometimes she is a rescue bot helping us fight the monsters. She goes along with whatever. She doesn’t much care, as long as she’s included.)
“Mama, look! I can’t believe I’m walking in a tree!”
Where spaces between trees are not spaces between trees at all, but secret passages. And no one can see us.
Where we jump and jump and jump and try to touch the sky.
Or ride Lilu. She’s such a good sport.
Where you are the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Where the trampoline is our spaceship and if we jump off, we land on another planet.
Where grass is amazing and fascinating.
I never knew our backyard was so full of fun. Thanks for the adventure, Tru!
I love you too much!
I have but one sadness that I come back to again and again…that you never knew your Grandpa. What would be my last visit with him, at 7 months pregnant, I showed him the ultrasound picture of you and he smiled. I talked. I shared. He knew my joy and he smiled. I loved his smile. He knew of you and I find comfort in that.
That night I stood in his hospital room by his bed holding his hand. His tired eyes looked to me. No words were left, yet I knew he was speaking to me. But what? Asking me to stay? It was late and everyone was waiting in the hall to leave. I stood by his bed desperate to figure out what he was trying to say, but it was hopeless. It was late. I’d driven 6 hours. I’d sat in his tiny half of the hospital room and my 7-month pregnant body wanted to lay down. So I walked away. I walked away from him. Never to see his eyes open again. He was tired too. Tired of fighting. Tired of struggling. He knew he was leaving me and he tried to tell me. He reached out to me and I had no idea. I left him laying there. I left him alone. Alone to die. The next day I stood by his side all day watching. Watching his eyelids. Watching for movement, but there was to be none. He rested.
That evening, after he’d passed on, he laid in that bed with eyes closed. Everyone was busy gathering his personal items and all I could do was sit in the chair. Frozen. I sat in the chair. Staring. I sat in the chair. Numb. Feeling stupid. Now here I was, but he was gone. I’d give anything to rewind back to the last moment he looked up at me. I would forget about the few hours of rest I wanted and I would just sit by his side. I would stay with him. Hold his hand and carry him away. But instead I live each day wondering what his eyes were pleading to me for. I live each day wishing I’d paid attention. I live each day with the haunting of the unanswered question. The moment he needed me most and I let him down. I disappointed him and I carry that disappointment with me everyday. It guides me. It pushes me to be a better parent.
I learned many lessons about life from your grandpa about laughing and tenderness. About courage and strength. But it was in his last moments, he taught me the biggest life lesson that would shape the parent I would become. Hopefully a parent like him. I pay attention to every moment. I live each day with you, so I have no unanswered questions. I will never look back and wonder if I spent enough time with you. I will never feel I should have sacrificed more. I will not lose a minute. In all of my sadness, I have ultimately gained greater happiness. I look at you, Tru, with different eyes than those that looked at him. I see the moment. I hold the moment. I live in the moment. That was my last and greatest gift from your grandpa. The deepest sorrow has surprisingly brought me the greatest joy. I’m so sorry for that and I’m so incredibly thankful for that at the same time.
You would have loved your grandpa, Tru. You would have loved him too much!
Top 10 Reasons Why Being Married to Your Dad for 10 Years Today are the Best 10 Years of My Life (whew, that’s a mouthful)Posted by Kim on Monday Feb 3, 2014 Under Uncategorized
10. He always, always, always makes me laugh.
9. He makes a mean blueberry pancake.
8. He thinks that a bunch of pillows are better than a blanket.
7. He pushes me and challenges me to do things I would never attempt to try on my own.
6. He has given me a better quality of life by eating healthy.
5. He knows my imperfections and loves me because of them. (I may or may not have had a mullet at one time.)
4. He knows how to make decisions and doesn’t falter.
3. He puts things into perspective at the bat of an eye.
2. He continually finds ways to spice up our life, like teaching me to drive my own jet ski.
And the number 1 reason why being married to your dad for 10 years today are the best 10 years of my life is…
1. He gave me a boy as wonderful as him.
I love you both too much!!!
A turtle in this world, I creep along
But one night things shift
Sleet pings the earth
I know it’s her cheering me on
This white glassy world, my arena
Life in slow motion
Invigorating and refreshing
Just us…we walk
Just us…we play
Just us…we live
And now I’m champion
This shiny earth my trophy
You are without a doubt my greatest work. From somewhere deep within it begins.
From a simple moment. From the simplest thing…
but whatever it is, it takes over and every bit of me is inspired.
Every bit of me surrenders.
Every bit of me explodes.
And every bit of you puts me all back together again.
I love you too much, my Tru…my muse.
PS – In my life BT (Before Tru), I thought I was very happy and I loved to write and keep journals. I always said, “If I have a kid, fine. If I don’t, fine. We are happy.” Then one day I decided I might want to try to have a baby. Your dad said he’d do whatever I wanted. We totally weren’t prepared for what happened next. Upon laying eyes on you, we were completely blown away. We were 100% head-over-hills in love like never before. Ever. We were absolutely smitten with you and can’t imagine, nor remember life without you in it. So, yes…from somewhere deep inside you got me and every time I write, I try to put it into words and share this complete joy you have brought into our world.