Things don’t have to be at 100% to be happy. There’s something called the tipping point which claims that if you can have just 51% positive thoughts, than you can have a wonderful life. I feel fairly confident that we stay beyond the tipping point most days. Easily.
This week…not so much. It’s been a struggle. And of course, I reflect. I analyze. I fret. I drive myself crazy – partly because it’s hard getting back in the swing of things when I’ve been out of the swing of things. Especially when out of the swing of things, is what I prefer. Then to feel bad while doing it, well, that just sucks.
There’s been a lot of bumps in my life along the way, but nothing compares to being a parent. It’s the greatest thing ever, but also the hardest. I used to just think of myself, but now it’s all about you. If things didn’t work out, it was okay because the only person at risk was me. Now, your life is involved. My joys now are the sweetest gifts of my life, but my mistakes now leave the deepest wounds. Every day is a quest to make it the best day possible for you, but I am so far from perfect. I often fall short. Most of the time I can’t make decisions for worrying, which is right? Which is best? Which will work? People stand in judgement and I know this, so I fret even more. I start thinking about things that really don’t apply to the problem at hand. Your daddy, on the other hand, sees everything crystal clear. So easily. How does he do that???? I’m in awe of him. A straight shooter, he hits the target every time. He zooms in on what matters and sticks to the point.
(This is how I see things)
I promise you this: I will find my focus.
Several things happened this week, my fault of course, and I’m not sure I like how I handled them. In trying to put you first and keep your best interest at heart, I get so overwhelmed. I try to handle things the way I think best and end up making a mess of it all. I end up feeling like a failure to you. I have the best intentions and the worst actions. I’m not proud. I’ve been greatly offended this week and I’m trying to not take it personally. Still trying. But luckily, I’ve also been greatly impressed this week. (Thank goodness for your awesome teachers who smoothed a situation I accidentally created!) So, you see, I’m below my tipping point this week. And I don’t like it. I know that everything we say and do has an impact on others, so I live with that reminder in the back of my mind. All of the time. I also know that we can’t worry about what others say and do. Let it go. So, I bounce around in this web of confusion. It’s hard to do what’s best for your child when everyone around you is sizing up the situation and forming opinions when they don’t know our dynamics. I try to handle life calmly. I think to myself, in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not a big deal. Little things. Learn and grow.
I promise you this: I will not second guess myself.
I think part of my problem goes back to my dad. He was sick most of my childhood. When I was 5 like you, he was not at home. He was in Johns Hopkins fighting cancer. He won the battle…10 years later, but I lost a childhood with him. I lost the chance at happy, fun times with my dad and I know I would have had them because he was just that awesome. How different my life would have turned out if I had those memories. But everything happens for a reason. My path led me here. With you. And I believe I have the chance to create those memories for you. That’s my gift and my purpose. People often tell me what I should and shouldn’t do as your mom. They think you should buck up and do this or buck up and do that and I disagree. You’re 5. I don’t want you to buck up. I had to buck up when I was 5. I had to go to kindergarten without my parents. I had to go home to an empty house. I had to live in my imagination because reality was too scary. I know what bucking up is like and I don’t think 5 year olds should have to do that. And most of the people talking to me, didn’t have to buck up when they were 5. They had nice, normal lives. So I’m looking for quiet. I just want you to smile and be comfortable. I just want you to be happy. I just want to be here with you and for you. Every day.
I promise you this: I will take a deep breath and calm my mind!
I love you too much.