TruMama

When is the last time?

The curious thing is, we never really know.

Until we do.

We have a finite amount of times we will do something in our lifetime and one of those times…

will be the last

and we are often oblivious to it.

Sure. Many last times are obvious…

last day of school

last game of the season

last day of the year

And we celebrate those events and acknowledge it for

what it is

what it was

how it has served us

and the joy of the experience.

But what I miss…

what I really miss…

are the last times that go unnoticed.

The ones that sneak by without even a whisper.

The ones that are camouflaged into the busyness of everyday life.

And then one day, out of nowhere, a tsunami crashes into my heart.

This reverie builds and collides with my schema as I realize I don’t do that thing anymore.

And…

wow…

I haven’t

for a long time.

There was a single moment in time that was the final moment

the last time I would do that thing

and I missed it.

I completely missed it.

No celebration.

No acknowledgement.

No appreciation.

Just done.

Over.

The ribbon was cut. And life moved on washing away another moment in time.

It slipped through the tapestry of the day, of the week, the month…the years.

Hopelessly lost amongst the threads.

Forever free falling.

So many precious moments are lost in this way.

Some of the most dear and most tender to the heart.

And I

I had no idea it was the last time

until one day I feel a peculiar surge in my heart.

A long tug on memories.

A bout of amnesia sets in and I ache for another time.

Just one more time.

This absence unravels my heart.

If only I’d known.

If only there had been an announcement

some kind of signal that this, right here, was the last time…

I would have cherished it.

Celebrated it.

Honored it.

I would have moored it safely into my heart

into a marina of last time memories.

The last time I gave you a bottle.

Changed your diaper.

The last time I carried you to the car and buckled you in.

Gave you a bath.

The last time I played a game with you.

Slept beside you.

The last time we rode together to school.

So many sweet, tiny moments that, no matter how trivial,

really meant the world to me.

Moments I miss so much.

Moments I wish I had slowed down and treasured more.

Sorrow drips from my eyes.

Each salty tear, an ocean of last time memories.

If only I had known.

But we never do.

Until we do.

How many last times did I miss yesterday?

How many will I miss today?

How do I find my way out of this storm?

I bathe myself in the abundance of blessings I am afforded right now.

Slow down in this moment.

In this day.

Pay attention to all the little things…the little ones are the ones that fill my heart the most.

Flood my heart with tenderness…

Look with loving eyes.

Listen with loving ears.

Speak with loving words.

Feel with loving thoughts.

My heart…aware that this moment right here…may be the last time I get to do this thing with you and there will be no announcement.

Be in the blessings.